The hand behind this pen relives a failure everyday.

This somber state is getting old
This numbing pain is getting old
My heart can't take much more of this.
I can't call an international number to see if she's alright.
Its slowly killing me. My sleep at night, forget it. I haven't been sleeping well because I have been so worried about her.

I finally told Sammy and Cherie to fuck off. I'd rather have Duffer in my life then those two. I'm sorry I'm finally starting to turn my back on people. I just don't care anymore. My heart hurts and there is one person that can make it stop hurting.

I called Josh and he had completely forgotten about me. My Uncle Phil is very sick and I think there is going to be another funeral in this family soon. I don't know if I can take much more of this death that is surrounding me. Everyone always crying, someone always dying.

All I know at this point is that I do need to go back to New York and at least make an appearance. It would make people happy and honestly I need to see how bad my grandmother's health is. I know I have no future in New York. I know that, that's why I don't want to stay. That's why I'm here. But I do need to go home and see people before it all goes a mess.

For a strange reason I just want to cry right now. But I don't have any tears left in my eyes. I've cried every night for the past week. Worried about Duffer, Worried about my Uncle. I miss talking to Duffer. Its killing me. Its killing me to know that she isn't online and I want to know what the hell she is doing. I want to know that she is alright.

God I sound like a broken record but its the truth. This whole somber state that I have been living in is getting old and I just want it to lift and go away. Duffer wanted me to go to England and I would if only I could. If I had the money I would be on the next plane out there. I feel like I am gonna break. I'm just ah, I dont know how to explain it.

I just know what I am feeling and its not good.